I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
