mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
