Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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