This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
