is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
