I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
