then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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