The maid of honor just puked.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
