My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
