John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
