He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
