Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
