My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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