im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
