I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
