how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
