so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Randomize
