the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Found your dick twin last night
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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