Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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