I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Are we still banned from the library?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
