I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
