We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
