the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
