yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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