Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
His hands were made for my vagina.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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