I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
