i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
