Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
