i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
