Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Your tits are I can't wait for
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
