god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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