It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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