me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
