I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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