Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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