if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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