i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
