so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
