Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
