I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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