bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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