Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
