You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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