You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
