Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
