Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Randomize
