She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
