I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I would ride that face into the sunset
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
