2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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