we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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